How to Apologize and Repair a Relationship after You’re Offended

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Confession

1 John 1:8-10 gives us the template for confession and forgiveness. John explains, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar, and his word is not in us.”

Confession means we must call an action what God calls it. Misleading someone with faulty information is a lie. Sharing a demeaning innuendo about someone is gossip. Holding grudges, lusting, coveting, making excuses, being lazy, bragging, addiction, cheating, and manipulating are everyday expressions of greed and selfishness, and we must call them what they are. 

Confession requires honesty and humility. Otherwise, we’ll take the posture in verses 8 and 10—we will claim that we’re innocent and the other person is guilty (this is the premise behind every argument!). Here are a few good reasons for being willing to confess:

• Confessing your sins to one another creates a climate of honesty and mercy, which makes praying for one another possible (James 5:16)
• Confession cleanses your soul (Psalm 51:10)
• God commands us to confess (Psalm 32:5)

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Repentance

Repentance is owning your part of the conflict. Whenever we feel angry or offended, we must search our hearts, asking God to reveal our wrongdoing (Psalm 139:23-24) so we can address the sin issue. Honest consideration and listening to the Holy Spirit will reveal our sin or our innocence. If we want God to show us our sin, He will. If we don’t want God to show us, we won’t see what he reveals (James 1:23).

Repentance literally means to reverse directions. Change is the litmus test for repentance; if I keep doing the same thing, I’m not sorry. I may want different results (i.e., no conflict or repercussions), but I haven’t truly admitted that what I’m doing is wrong (confession), and I don’t feel convicted about it enough to stop (repentance).

Often, repentance requires confrontation by the offending person. This is a matter of responsibility. Whoever feels the offense or notices the breach needs to speak up. Many times, I’ve reached out to apologize to someone because the Holy Spirit has convicted me about something I’ve said or done, or I’ve noticed that I’ve hurt someone. Love demands that I notice the breach and reach out. I will sin if I make excuses or blame them for being sensitive or excuse my behavior; that’s selfishness. Love protects and gives (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

You can’t control someone else’s repentance process. You might have a relationship rift with someone who isn’t sorry, who won’t admit their wrong, and who doesn’t care if they hurt you. But you can control your own repentance. Own your piece of the pie and release your anger and resentment. Give the offender to the Lord. He will deal with them (Romans 12:19) in love and justice.

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Forgiveness

Repentance is a command with reverberations about forgiveness:

• If you don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive you (Matthew 6:15)
• If you’re offended, you’re required to lovingly confront the offending party (Matthew 18:15)
• We should forgive in the same manner that God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32)

Science and psychology have proven that forgiveness is a healer. Forgiving yourself and forgiving others when they’ve hurt you heals your own neuropathways. Forgiveness stops stress hormones from firing and closes pain sensors. It floods your prefrontal cortex with pleasure hormones. Repentance heals you—your brain, your heart, and your soul. You can forgive someone even if they don’t confess, repent, or forgive you in return.

Without forgiveness, it’s impossible to repair a relationship that’s broken. You may try to swallow the hurt and avoid confrontation, but your mind and body will still hold on to the stress you feel. Resentment, bitterness, anxiety, grief, hostility, and blame will grow in your heart and mind; they will destroy you physically, emotionally, and relationally. You will suffer from trauma triggers and distrust of others. Hurt, which is unresolved pain from unfulfilled expectations, will only fester in an unforgiving heart.

Before you try to rebuild a relationship, you must release bitterness and choose forgiveness. You will still experience pain, but it will subside with a continual mindset of forgiveness. Remember that Jesus told his disciples to forgive “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22), which signified continual forgiveness. God judges justly; we don’t have to carry the load of punishing anyone.

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Reconciliation, Restitution, and Restoration

This part often gets skipped in the apology process. You may not want to accept someone’s apology because they keep offending you in the same way, and you don’t trust the apology. Or you may have experienced the same abuse and hurt from other people, and so trusting is hard. That’s normal. Keep speaking with God about your struggle; you are still growing. Over time, you will develop resilience and grace toward others.

If you want to rebuild a broken relationship, both parties must confess, repent, and forgive. If only one side apologizes and changes, the relationship is lopsided. We can and should have ministering relationships; however, friendships and love relationships require reciprocity for safety and joy.

Many of us have both reciprocal and non-reciprocal relationships. Reciprocal relationships are friendships or family relationships where both parties work equally to build, grow, and repair. These relationships are rich and fulfilling. They’re worth the work, and they’re simpler to repair because you’ve already established a bond of trust and a commitment to endurance.

Non-reciprocal relationships, however, are the tricky ones that we navigate daily at work, home, and church. Most of us have grown up with some dysfunctional relationships, or we have experienced passive-aggressive behavior from family members or co-workers. We’ve learned how to avoid conflict, douse family fires, or play the mediator in a conversation. We carry the stress of anticipating problems or not knowing when someone might overreact.

Non-reciprocal relationships are not healthy; they have no hope of creating synergy, partnership, mutuality, or interdependence. They leave us anxious and resentful.

If you are in a non-reciprocal relationship with a person who’s not equally giving to the relationship, you will need to create boundaries for yourself. These people can be relegated to an outer circle of friendship. When you place your trust in non-reciprocal people, your encounters with them generate fear, hurt, disappointment, and distrust toward them and toward other people in your life, even the reciprocal ones. Therefore, during the process of repairing relationships, take note of another person’s investment; if they are unable or unwilling to equally invest in proactive and reparative work, they should not receive your complete trust.

Restoration is the act of coming back into fellowship and trust. This is also a biblical mandate. We must not hold offenses over someone’s head if they’ve repented and are working toward change. Jesus modeled Peter’s restoration in John 21; he gave Peter another chance to serve him, and Jesus gave grace for Peter’s process.

So, how do you maintain relationships where a breach or offense has happened? What should you do?

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How to Repair a Relationship after You’ve Been Offended

1. Confession: Have an honest conversation about how you feel about what happened/what was said. To keep an open dialogue (rather than a debate), avoid accusing them. Ask them how they also feel about the interaction and if you’ve done something to offend them.
2. Repentance: If you’ve hurt them, apologize and ask how to make it right. Don’t make excuses for why you did what you did. Pray and ask for God’s forgiveness. If they won’t take responsibility for their hurtful actions, tell them how this changes the relationship. Establish new boundaries for yourself so you don’t expect reciprocity from someone who can’t reciprocate care.
3. Forgiveness: If they repent of hurting you, forgive them. Often, forgiveness is a process, so you should develop a pattern of forgiveness for the trigger moments. Be sure to take your hurts to the Lord in prayer.
4. Reconciliation, restitution, and restoration: Discuss how to resolve the offense so both parties feel loved and secure. If you were fighting over something, you might have to make concessions. If you were betrayed, you might need to articulate new boundaries and tell them how to earn back your trust. If you’ve taken something (or they have), brainstorm about how to repay the offended person in equal measure. (i.e., Stealing can include the theft of time, resources, reputation, trust, etc.) Restitution is a biblical concept: all through the Law, God outlined rules for restitution and restoration. God never refuses to reconcile and restore a humble heart.

Helpful Hints for Succeeding at Reconciliation

• Pray for the people who hurt you (it’s harder to hold resentment if you’re praying for them).
• Don’t gossip about the people who’ve hurt you (your spoken words influence your thoughts, emotions, and actions).
• Choose positive, uplifting activities and practices whenever you’re feeling hurt or resentful.
• Find a spiritual mentor or friend to hold you accountable for your words, thoughts, and actions.
• Don’t let resentment grow; pay attention to offenses and resolve them as soon as possible (Ephesians 4:26).
• Go first; be the first person to ask if everything is okay. If you notice something, say something.

Look honestly at all your relationships and prioritize them according to the level of intimacy. Experts say we’re truly only intimate with 1-3 people. The number of our relationships grows as their intimacy decreases. Decide how intimate each of your relationships is and how that relationship correlates with your expectations and demands. What adjustments do you need to make?

God is a trinity, which means he is a being of innate community. He created mankind to live in intimacy with himself and also designed us to live in harmony with one another. God expects and demands that we reconcile with our offenders.

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