9 Things NOT to Do in Your Marriage Next Year

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1. Don’t Stop Communicating

Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. - Proverbs 16:24

Communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. When a couple is in a good marriage, they share their thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and disappointments. I have heard of relationships where the couple won’t speak to each other, and they are living under the same roof. While this may fuel your anger, it ultimately destroys your marriage. There may be times you need to take a moment to gather your thoughts and emotions. However, once you have done that, then come together and share how you are feeling. This may not be easy, but it is necessary if you want to maintain your relationship.

2. Don’t Stop Listening

To answer before listening—
that is folly and shame. - Proverbs 18:13

The art of listening has all but disappeared in our culture. Far too many people listen just to respond. Understanding what the other person said is not much of a priority. While it is much easier to speak than to listen, it is often not as beneficial. There is great wisdom in ensuring you hear and understand what your partner is saying before responding. Sometimes, it is better not to respond immediately, but to take a moment to process. When your spouse knows you are listening to them, it allows the communication to flow even better.

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3. Don’t Keep Score

Love… keeps no record of wrongs. - 1 Corinthians 13:5b

I can almost guarantee that in the last year, your spouse said or did something that you didn't like. Before you nod your head in agreement, remember that this applies to both parties. Hopefully, you have forgiven your spouse and moved forward from that. One sign of forgiveness is that you don’t keep reminding the person of what they did. If you do, then honestly, you have not forgiven, and there is an issue within you that you must address. Marriage is not a game of individual wins and losses, but of collective learning that helps you build a life together. Your spouse will make mistakes (so will you), but don’t hold it over their heads. Doing so does not make for successful long-term relationships.

4. Don’t Stop Dating

Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. - Song of Solomon 4:10

Do you remember the excitement when you first started dating? Maybe you stayed on the phone for hours (I did). It could be you drove a long distance just to be with your beloved (I did). People may have even thought you were crazy because this person became your world (this happened to me, too). My only question to you is, where did all that go? Hopefully nowhere. As much as marriage is about building a life together, it is also about building romance together. The excitement of doing things together or sharing those moments is critical as you pass through the various stages of life. That’s why you must keep dating and spending time together. If you must, schedule it on your calendar. This may not seem very romantic, and sometimes it won’t feel like a goosebump moment, but it will keep the relationship fresh and exciting as you walk through the years.

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5. Don’t Neglect Sexual Intimacy

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. -1 Corinthians 13:3-4

Sexual intimacy and fulfillment are essential components of a marital relationship. However, recognize that what happens outside the bedroom significantly affects what happens inside the bedroom. Maintaining sexual intimacy that is fulfilling for both parties requires that you listen, communicate, be kind, and be helpful. Being a difficult person is not a good foundation for sexual intimacy. However, knowing that your partner loves you, supports you, cares for you, and respects you is an excellent foundation for a satisfying sex life in marriage. I would also caution you that withholding sex as punishment is not a great idea. On the contrary, expecting sex when you are not caring about the needs of your spouse is not a great idea either.

One thing to point out. I know life can become demanding, especially when you consider all the responsibilities (even more so if there are children involved). Like dating, it is okay to schedule times for sexual intimacy on the calendar. It may not seem spontaneous, but it acknowledges the needs you both have and seeks a way to satisfy them.

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6. Don’t Stop Growing

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. - Ephesians 4:15

In your marital relationship, something is happening that you must acknowledge. You are growing, maturing, and changing. This is happening spiritually, emotionally, and physically. The person you were when you first got married is not the same person you are today. That’s why when you look at someone and say, “you changed”, you are right. Just recognize that so have you. If you understand this, marriage becomes exciting because you are constantly rediscovering the person you love. If you miss this, then you may continue expecting the same person you married, not realizing that person has matured and grown and is long gone. Honestly, at the level you are at now, you don’t need that younger version of your spouse. You need the one who is growing with you. That is why you must keep growing together.

7. Don’t Stop Dreaming

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

There are different ways to consider this verse, but one thing this verse does is give you the freedom to dream. Part of our life is about goals and dreams. Yes, we pursue them in alignment with God’s will, but we all have desires in our hearts that we would love to fulfill. Your marriage is no different. When you first got married, you probably had ideas about things you wanted to do together. Maybe you have achieved them, and maybe not, but regardless, don’t stop dreaming. Doing life together means sharing the experiences of life that come with it. If your dreams involve travel, hobbies, ministry, business, or some other experiences, keep going for it. God has given us this life to enjoy, so live life to its fullest for as many years as God gives you together.

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8. Don’t Compare Your Marriage to Others

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else. - Galatians 6:4

I must say this clearly. Your marriage is your marriage. It is unique to you, and it may not look like anyone else’s. I learned a long time ago that when two individuals come together, the way they engage and interact with each other may look quite different from the way you would do it. On the other side, don’t long for the type of marriage other people have. Most of the time, you only see one side of it and are unaware of the price they paid to get there. Rather than peeking into other people’s marriages to be like them, peek in to learn from them. Just remember that what works for them may not work for you, and that is okay because you are not trying to build a marriage like theirs. You are building the one that works for you and your spouse.

9. Don’t Prioritize Being Right Over Being in Relationship

Fools find no pleasure in understanding
but delight in airing their own opinions. - Proverbs 18:2

The last one I will leave you with is a simple but necessary lesson. You don’t always have to prove you are right. Many people go to great lengths to prove they are right in a disagreement, and rarely does it prove beneficial in a marital relationship. It is far better to understand your partner’s position than to espouse how correct you are. Now, if there is something that is going against God’s word, that is a different story, but most of the time we seek to be right to prove a point, not necessarily to improve the relationship.

As this new year dawns, I hope you find some encouragement from these recommendations. Marriage is an incredible journey that can be extremely fulfilling and help you become a person you could never become on your own. However, it takes complete commitment from both parties to make it happen, but when you do, the rewards are all worth it.

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